A friend, a very attractive friend I might add, has given away all her turtleneck sweaters.

“How come?” I innocently asked. Her response was something to do with the framing of her jowls. “But it hides the neck” I countered. Unlike Nora Ephron, I suspect she hates her jowls more.

I find my insecurities are more total body centric.

And of course, the what to wear is exacerbated by “who am I?”

This should not be confused with a philosophical question, answered in some esoteric, abstract way.

If you have no schizophrenic tendencies you won’t be able to relate. For those of us who do, it’s a real quandary. “Am I hip and trendy, buttoned up and corporate, bohemian?” So we poll our collective selves for clues. If the quandary is over what to wear on a date, check out what he was sporting on his profile. If it was shorts, black socks and sandals, you can always cancel the encounter. Unless, of course, his name is Rolfe.

But, in the spirit of having absolutely no clear sense of self, one can always resort to looking at what your favorite celebrity wore. Then, via modern technology click and find where you can get that exact same look.

Yeah, that should do it. Unless, of course you are still grappling with the “who am I” part of the equation. Today I am Madonna, tomorrow Madeleine Albright. Perhaps, even better, a combination of the two.

Is language precise?

Some of my friends are terrific grammarians. I know this as I am the recipient of their forwarding to me all the correct uses of the words I mangle. Like that last sentence.

Ah me, clearly must have been ogling some unattainable jock during high school English class. Wonder what he is doing now? 

For me, it's trying to remember all the rules. 

I can work with some rules of course. Don't wear white after Labor Day, don't stare at a deranged person are two that immediately come to mind. It's the dire consequences of breaking those specific rules, I suppose. Really, you have to get the police involved, fashion or otherwise. 

So then, how to keep it all straight. And even if you use the correct tense, is that what you really meant to say?        

Reading the wonderful collection of short stories by Pam Houston, "Cowboys Are My Weakness" I came across this sentence which I thought brought this home; "When he asks you if you would like to open a small guest ranch…understand that this is a rhetorical question. Label these conversations future perfect, but don't expect the present to catch up with them."

Others that come to mind are "will you love me forever? I would if I could; I'll do it tomorrow." 

Correct usage, truth optional. 

Know what "Love, 123456, password, your social security number, letmein" are?  They are baby food for hackers to gain entry into your world of, well, everything you hold near and dear. 

Want to make it a tad more challenging for them? Add one capital letter, special characters and an asterisk so, for example, if 12345678  is changed to ">@#$%^&* it would take your reasonably adept hacker 2.1 centuries to gain access, instead of a mere 2.4 days."

Which is the same amount of time it would take me to remember it.

I am told, that if I do a daily crossword puzzle and/or study a foreign language, I will increase my capacity to remember… something. That, I am here to tell you, would be encouraging to me if my foreign language skills enabled me to converse with someone over 3 years of age. As for the crossword puzzle, if stuck, I cheat.

What to do? Perhaps a Sarah Palin and inscribe this hieroglyphic password on your palm. If you bathe daily and don't perspire I guess that would work. Second thought, tattoo. As long as you are not kidnapped, or caught on tape waving your hands at something or other, you might be secure in the knowledge that you won't forget it, and are, possibly, not hackable.

So choose your password carefully. If your identity is, so very sad, stolen wouldn't it be somewhat satisfying to you if the password you had come up with was a really, down and dirty, nasty expletive? 

It’s a slippery slope.

At what point in time does admiration/adulation morph into cringing/critical?

For me, the half time show during Super Bowl XLIV might answer that question. So sad.

Any media quote that starts with “if you love The Who and are old enough to remember….” is actually an oxymoron, don’t you think? Old enough and remembering, you’re kidding.

And surely, those who were sweet young things during the hey day of The Who might possibly have been in some sort of drug induced haze, where remembering the next day was challenging.

“The newest song”, this particular article went on to say, “was 32 years old the oldest was 41.” And people ask me what I have been doing and how I have been spending my time?

Okay, I’m just a tad harsh. After all, they did remember all the words and Peter Townsend was able to keep his rotator cuff rotating.

That’s two for two.

Can I presume that you know what MeetUp.Com is all about?

In a sentence or two, it's an on line social networking site developed to give people an off line connection to other people. "Bowling Alone" (which says it all) was the inspiration for the concept. "Clapping with One Hand" might have worked, too.

As of the last statistics I lifted from Wikipedia, it has 5.7 million members, 66,725 groups. That number changes every seven seconds. Or less.

Their site is a magical mystery tour. Who knew, or could remotely imagine, the groups people are looking to form or join.

Linguist that I am, I saw one for Celibataires which I immediately assumed was for those who were, yeah, wanting to either celebrate their purity or have company in their misery. Not so much, it apparently means unmarried. Anyhow, at this moment in time it has no meet up group.  Go figure. What I realized is that I am looking for a meet up group that would instruct me in 'how to put an accent in foreign words when using a Mac.'

What struck me is, if this site is the purported panacea for loneliness, why are there so many lonely people? Maybe the formation of a "take your meds and then join us meet up" is an idea. 

Okay, maybe not.

Craig's List apparently started with a similar mission. Looks like, for me, that figuring out how to get people to work and play well together is a very very profitable concept. 

Now that is a meet up group that I would like to become a member of…