relationships
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Cortez, Christopher Columbus et al

Not.

Had I been enlisted to navigate to find land, any land, we'd all still be wandering aimlessly in some large body of water somewhere. The upside would have been a more positive outcome for the Aztecs or the Indians of the "new world," I suppose.

I am a devotee of Google Maps. I have at least 2 (or more) map applications on my iphone. I have a GPS for the car. I still get lost.

The GPS, bless its' little heart, is very precise. This in turn requires you to be very precise. Precision is not my forte. I'd rather smash an Ikea bookcase into submission, when putting it together, than read the intricate directions. Additionally, what should I do when the GPS tells me to make a right turn in 500 feet. What on earth would have prompted the programmers to think that ANY of us would know how far 500 feet might be?  So I slow down, causing havoc behind me, in anticipation of it telling me TURN HERE NOW, because the 500 feet has, apparently, been reached. It could be worse, I suppose, it could be talking to me using meters rather than feet. Quick…how many meters are in a foot? 

So the net result of all of this is simple. 

I only go to places I have been before. If that route, along the way, posts signs that say there is a detour, I turn around and go home.

Alternatively, if I need use of my car when I arrive at a destination, I have been known to hail a cab, give the driver the address and tell them to not lose me along the way. Yeah, it is an expensive proposition, but I get there, relatively sane, relatively relaxed, and hope that I am not requested to take a quick run to the market for provisions. I know full well that they may never see me again. 

Let's order in, I suggest. I'll pay.
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The new patron saint of forgiveness

I can't wait until next week to read the comments provoked by the modern love article Those aren't fighting words, dear.

Let's start with the husband's declaration. "I don't love you anymore." While she felt "sucker punched" she determined that his disclosure, ultimately, was based on his mid life meltdown…she resolved to quietly and determinedly go about her life without shrieking, demanding explanations, and simply waited for his "tantrum" to pass. A saint, right?

I wonder if she would have been so forgiving if he told her she looked fat in her jeans?

I suspect there was a ground swell of murmurings, mumblings and musings by many a marital unit, who might have happened upon this article.

"Let's see" said one spouse, to the other. "I can stay out without explanation, forget birthdays, and be a general all around shit, until I decide not to be." "Yes" was the reply. "I will be oh so patient, waiting quietly, demurely and hopefully until you see the error of you ways."

The author of the article gave this plan of hers 6 months. And he came around. He was back, mowing, painting the porch, fixing the door.

So what do you think?

I guess if your house is in pristine condition and you've got a mate that only feels useful when wielding power tools, you might have to wait longer than 6 months.  In the meantime you can get fitted for your sandals and sainthood robes. Halos are on back order.

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The one hour face lift

It seems to me that if it has taken most of us YEARS to witness the meltdown of our faces. Wouldn't you think that one hour seems like not enough time to devote to fix that issue. One minute of tugging, cutting, pulling, suturing, for each year…hmmmm.

Tune into late night television and you can buy veg-o-matic, ginsu knives, lotions, potions and creams.
Additionally, we have major advertising programs geared to convincing us that Product X can cure what ails us. Weight Watchers, or Jenny Craig are, witnessed by their numbers, hugely successful in having you think "that's for me" and then, done…you sign up. See a paid, non medical consultant to determine if a one hour face lift is for you? You must have really really liked your veg-o-matic.

I did, once upon a time, go see Dr. Makeyoulooklyounger and he wasn't offering a quick fix. But I did go to see him. To an office. With a receptionist. Other people waiting.

But, there are companies that are out there, selling the one hour face lift. You can consider QuickLift . An alternative to the QuickLift is a procedure called Lifestyle lift.

The NY Times reported in its A Face From an Infomercial article a half dozen or so things you should consider before proceeding with altering your face (really?). 

But there is an alternative to all of this. It takes less than a minute and costs less than a dollar.

Take a rubber band, and oh so casually slip one end over your left ear, pull it across and under your chin, and then slip the other end over your right ear for a taut, no jowls, tightened and lifted neck.

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Cookies

Not Oreos, Chips Ahoy or any of the Pepperidge Farm variety.

The cookies I am referencing are those that live on your computer. And, just like those of us who might have to hide the chocolate, highly caloric variety and then try to remember where we might have stashed them, you'll need the same brain exhausting maneuver to locate the cookies on your computer to make them go away as well.

Why, you might be wondering, do you need to find these cookies and make them disappear?

It seems that each and every time you do a search on your computer these "cookies" store the information. This, in turn gives access to marketers to track and profile you for future ads. There are a myriad of terms for this activity, the one I came across most often is Behavioral Marketing.

So how do you feel about going to your mail in box and finding email messages that are offering you insurance quotes? After all, yesterday you were on Insurance.com, weren't you? Alternatively, a really accidental "look see" at a gun site could mark you as someone who could join a hunting expedition with Sarah Palin (since she is free to go off on a moose shooting spree just about any ol' time she wants).

Anyway, Congress is apparently looking into this "tracking practice" as it seems there is a slippery slope in the areas of privacy, confidentiality and the like.

In the meantime, I suspect that you, like me, as it relates to cookies, know that they are out there, need to be mindful of the consequences (chubbette) if you find one variety; or totally exposed for the world to know about you (big brother IS watching) for the other.

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Curbing Pharma Advertising??!!

Viagra joke How would I know what is wrong with me?

You see, I had recently decided to give up my primary care physician, at least for the full body, test everything, once a year, check up.  If I know what ails me because that talking head on the TV tells me what ails me, that’s the time to go see the Doc. Don’t you agree?

Yet, there is legislation afoot, to try to curb pharmaceutical advertising. Citing risks, a NY Times piece, reported there are a multitude of reasons for this. One legislator, a Democrat, James Moran from Virginia, is sponsoring a bill to ban the sexual enhancing drugs as they are, he is contending, sexually provocative. Really? Clearly, Rep. Moran must not watch much late night TV. Nor can he really be a Democrat.

I do concur with Jerrold Nadler, a Democrat from New York. He is attempting to amend the federal tax code to prevent pharmaceutical companies from deducting the cost of direct- to- consumer drug advertisements as a business expense. A BUSINESS EXPENSE??  Here we are, in the throes of trying to see how to revamp the health care system and the taxpayer is subsidizing the pharma industry?

Enough to give you a headache. But then again, which pill would I take? Anacin, Excedrin, Aspirin? How would I know what to take if they didn’t tell me what I needed and for which kind of headache?

I do have to agree with the proposed legislation that suggests a waiting period before ads can run. As I wrote about in Back Hurt, the FDA’s system of approving a drug for use is pretty scary. Is a couple of decades to wait sufficient, I wonder?

In the meantime, my aching back, sleeplessness, twitching legs, aging skin, indigestion, itchy watery eyes, all have a drug, I can ask for by name, when I next visit my Doc.

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“I’m going for a run to clear my head”.

Words I’ve never said.

If I need to clear my head, I blow my nose.

Road to hell Best intentions. The gym membership, the diet, renewing old friendships, keeping up correspondences, rereading the classics, make that reading the classics, and the list goes on. We sincerely, honestly, unquestioningly want to do these things. So, how come then, we don’t?

In one study Good Intentions Versus Bad Behavior “the researchers sought to take a new look at why old
habits seem to prevail over our attempts to change our behavior. Their
findings suggest that even though the strength of an old habit may fade
over time, our memory for it will be stronger then any new good
intentions that succeed it.”

Aha, so that explains it. If I haven’t done the “good for me” stuff my memory of NOT doing it supersedes my desire to DO it.  That works for me.

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Does your gym offer this???

Brain Fitness.

Not kidding. If your gym doesn’t, they should.

There you are, maybe running, possibly jogging, perhaps walking, definitely sauntering on the tread mill, your mind vacant of anything of real consequence. But, you could be SIMULTANEOUSLY, exercising your mind, along with your body and, I personally don’t think so, but why not throw it in, your soul.

Brain Training brought to us by Nintendo is a collection of anagrams, puzzles, musical recitals and more, developed by a neuroscientist, pretty much specifically targeted to the, ahem, aging population.

But does it work?

Apparently it works for the manufacturers. The prediction is by the year 2015 sales will reach the 2 billion dollar mark.

Missing mind As for us mere mortals…the jury (read research) is still out. But conventional wisdom tells us that the mind, like other muscles, needs to be exercised to continue to function optimally.

Think of it as giving your neurons a workout.

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Dreams

I can, sometimes, actually remember my dreams. Not too often, sometimes.  

About the same amount of times I remember the name of someone, or something that I was certain I wouldn't forget. 

And when I do recall my dream I find myself immediately going into that place of "what could it have meant?" A prophetic dream? An actionable dream? A remember these numbers and you have won the mega millions lottery dream? 

We are told, or at least led to believe, that there is great symbolism to be found in our dreams. So, I thought I would look this up and see what I could find. One particular site, Dream Moods divied up their site into a myriad of categories to enable us to find out about the particular significance of something in our dream. Food, animals, teeth (teeth!!?!) were a few that I thought you might find interesting. 

Your dream, you decide what you want to check out. But I can tell you I'll never look at an apricot the same way again.

Cabbage " If you SEE a garden of cabbage in your dreams, it forewarns of getting yourself into bad real estate deals" but if you are COOKING cabbage it forewarns dental problems." Dental problems?

Which then would lead me to the denture dream. If you dream that someone is WEARING dentures "they are not who they say they are.  They are being deceitful." No more Peter Rabbit types being  nice guys dream for me.

If they are eating cabbage and wearing dentures apparently you should doubly watch out.

Tonight when I go to bed I will do everything I can to dream about a HERD of buffaloes. For that, I am led to believe suggest a "life of tranquility and plenitude."  

Moo.

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Walking has nothing to do with it

Where Thin People Roam, a recent article in the NY Times, suggested that "certain" Manhattanites are  quite thin due to walking, (even subway riders need to climb stairs, they claimed), store front yoga studios and pedestrian friendly streets.

Yeah, sure, there is a sub sub culture of Manhattanites (confined, I think, to 2 or 3 neighborhoods) where being REALLY thin is a requisite for residency in that specific 'hood.

For the rest of the mere mortals inhabiting the borough, or anywhere else for that matter, not so much.

Prevention magazine, for example, has rarely published an issue of their magazine without an article, or multiple articles claiming, " How You Can Walk Yourself Thin." Based upon the statistics mentioned in the Times article, the nation is really really overweight. Walking is clearly not the antidote.

So I thought about this and found correlating evidence to support why walking doesn't work.

Let's take a look at Postal Workers. They probably clock an enormous amount of walking, right? But, I've yet to see them, or consider them a svelte group.

I figured out why.

Have you seen the summer uniforms? Knee socks (black or dark grey) ill fitting bermuda shorts, a short sleeved shirt, and in some cases a pith helmet, or alternatively a rakish, safarish, or australian outbackish looking chapeau.

I suspect that being mortified by how one looks must correlate to how many calories one can possibly burn.

Yeah, that is it. Confirmed by the Times article. "Fashion, indeed, is merciless."

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Cyberdating

There are, I'm reasonably certain, a gazillion advice books about on line dating, and an equal number of web sites devoted to this topic, as well.

This correlates, for sure, because according to the various and assorted cyberdating websites, members are signing up by the gazillions. And, there are now web sites for the most specific of tastes; religious affiliations, gender specific, age related, they do the picking for you, throw it against the wall, and so on. 

It struck me that it is a wonder that previous generations were able to effectively date without all this important information just a click away.

But I digress. Back to the books and web sites that offer up advice on: what to do, what to say, what to think, what to eat on the first date, what to avoid, where to meet, how to book the caterer and what to name the children. 

So, I scanned a few of the titles, read a few of the on line sites, and found that there are a couple more suggestions that I can offer up.

1. Each profile should have a sell by date.
2. Sunglasses are not a fashion accessory.
3. An ipod, iphone, or newspaper with the current date should accompany the photo.
4. What "friends would say" is not an endorsement.
5. Reading the obits to see who is now single is not cool. 

If you have any other thoughts that you'd like to share, I'd give you credit, when I publish the gazillionth and one, next book.

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