"Let's hang out, do nothing, relax," cooed my friend.

"Ok, sure," I said, "I have no problem hanging out."

It's the doing nothing and trying to relax that's a problem for me. 

"Here" she said, tossing over one of her three hundred and forty two magazines she has at the ready, "chill out with this".

Who could possibly chill out leafing through a Martha Stewart "idle hands make idle minds" tome?

Could I, with a toothpick, no less, make intricate, highly designed, multi colored patterns?

Who has toothpicks?  

Okay, maybe, somewhere in the bottom of the junk drawer, along with pushpins and paper clips lurks a toothpick or two. Since dental floss was invented, nary a soul I know attempts to dislodge something between their canine and molar with a toothpick. And, really, when was the last time you were at a cocktail party and someone offered you an hors d'oeuvre with a toothpick protruding from its middle. So unMartha. 

Suppressing the urge to leap from my chaise, find some ketchup and a twig to practice the art of twirling and swirling, I decided that perhaps a kinder and gentler magazine would lull me into a more relaxed state.

Real Simple, the anti Martha magazine, I thought, seemed like a logical choice.

I did spend a few minutes wondering if they used a focus group to come up with that name. "Real Simple" I suppose rolls more trippingly off the tongue than "This Isn't Really Difficult Dummy."

The first article I happened on was "Five Great Things About Getting Older."

Not kidding.

They were: "You'll be happier…Wise decisions will come more easily… Fashion police will be off your back… You'll know who you are…You'll have time on your hands."

Real Simple, huh?

I could relax now, couldn't I? Do nothing. Chill. Savor all the time on my hands, easily make decisions and know who I am. All while swathed in sweats and flip flops.

Think I'll go rustle up some toothpicks.

Think about asking that in mixed company.

Want to know where your telemere is? 

They are structures on the tips of your chromosones that shorten as you age. Paralleling, no doubt, the rest of you that is shrinking right before your very eyes.

For a mere (wonder if this has anything to do with the name of this structure) $290 dollars SeptraCell Laboratories in Houston, one of many companies performing this test, will let you know if you are on the rapid aging path. 

And you would want to know this, because??  

You do want to know how healthy you are, don't you?  Okay. But since there are currently no drugs to lengthen your telomere whats a body to do? Viagra, unfortunately, doesn't seem to be the answer.

Some researchers say that there are already a number of indexes to measure how long you might live. These factors include your age, gender, smoking history and how well you perform certain functions.
Amongst these functions are walking several blocks, pushing an armchair or managing your finances.

Managing your finances??

Really?

Oh dear.

Not a new product from L'Oreal, but rather an acronym defining, according to Dr. Martin Seligman in his new book Flourish, the five crucial elements of well being.

                                                                                 PERMA–My New Mantra

Positive emotion, Engagement, Relationships, Meaning and Accomplishment.

Apparently, he is no longer happy (ironic isn't it) with the theories he put forth in his last book "Authentic Happiness."

Thinking I was happy, until I read that I might not be happy, made me very unhappy. 

For example, Dr. Seligman suggests setting goals and monitering progress. Then, he says, moniter how much time you spend pursuing the goals and what you actually accomplished. 

Losing 10 pounds immediately comes to mind. 

Question your goals, he suggests.

Okay, lose 5 pounds.

See, it works, I'm happier now.

I've never been quite able to get that gaze of adoration down pat. 

You thinking what I'm thinking? 

Are John Mc Cain and Newt Gingrich married to the same woman?

What's even scarier is that I think they were married to the same woman before.

Anyhow, back to the look of adoration.

I wondered how much it really counted as a predictor of the success of the marriage. 

Apparently, not much.

Are you in an Emerging Maturity Crisis?

I read that headline and thought, am I being asked what happens now that my Muni Bonds have come due and I won't know how, where or if, I should reinvest the money?

Actually, it's a new term for the old term, Midlife Crisis.  At least according to Vivien Diller, Ph.d, in an article that she penned for Huffington Post.

I've never quite understood why it is necessary to give a stage/age a name, let alone rename it.  

Diller suggests that until recently psychologists thought that we have an "aha" moment somewhere in our mid life.  We become aware that life is passing us by. "I coulda, woulda, shoulda…" and didn't.

What I got from her article is that this 'aha' moment happens earlier and earlier.

Basically, because she makes a pretty good argument that we are all unhappy.

Bad marriage, rotten children, dead end job. Aware of this by the time you are 30. No wonder she calls it a crisis.

So I now understand why there is, for some, a reversal to adolescence. 

Return to a happy time and relive the moment. 

Living in Somerville Mass. your 2010 Census questions might have included "How many people are living in your home currently? What is your age? What is your race?"

"How much do you weigh?" Kidding. The census takers are seeking the truth.

"How happy do you feel right now"? Not kidding.

So, sitting down to answer the questionnaire, perhaps with Oscar and Hammerstein's South Pacific "Happy Talkie Talkie" playing softly in the background, pencil poised, the citizens of Somerville prepare to evaluate and answer the question.

Dr. Daniel Gilbert of Harvard University psychology professor, wrote the questionnaire. "Social policies are always meant to promote things that promote happiness, so how could it be a bad idea to measure directly the very thing you are trying to maximize."

"I would like to be three inches taller and speak Quechua" wrote one respondent.

Perhaps getting to the root of what makes people happy is going to be more challenging than Dr. Gilbert imagined.

In the end, if the city's policies can be changed perhaps it will make people happier.

That's one solution. 

Adding Prozac to the city's water supply is another.

Know of him? 

42ish, talented jewelry designer, a Brooklyn boy. And, my newest idol. But, not for his very wonderful jewelry designs.

It's for his selection of his latest poster girl. Lauren Hutton.

Unlike Nora Ephron, it appears that Lauren's okay with her neck. And her hands. And those oh so definitive crevices surrounding her vaguely puffed lips. My hero.

Did I mention that I blew up the ad? 

I did.

Having spent the last few years figuring how to hide my neck I thought I would take a closer look at how to flaunt it. Swath it in a gold collar?

Horrors. 

Do I think Lauren's had an 'oh so teeny tiny tweak' here and there? Hmmm, maybe not so teeny tiny…If you are in and around 40 years of age, and reading this, are you having palpatations as to the portent of things to come?

Get over it.

Now, I'm not sure if I am ready to encase and thus highlight my neck with a thick gold choker, I might have opted to put it on my head, a tiara look works nicely, drawing the eye of the observer upwards.

Do I think that Alexis Bittar's team did some market research? Did they learn that the consumer is the over 50 crowd? Did they yield to the data? Does it matter?

I like it.

Misplaced your keys? Forgot where you parked? Can't remember your age. Okay, that one is not a memory issue, just wishful thinking. Can't spell anymore? 

There's hope. 

Joshua Foer, in his new book, "Moonwalking With Einstein," says that our memories are indeed improvable. There are established techniques–pioneered by the Greeks and Romans–to help train the brain.

Quick, no peeking, who wrote the book?

It seems that the brain remembers visual imagery and erotic, exotic and exciting imagery best. "Evolution has programmed our brains to find two things particularly interesting, and therefore memorable: jokes and sex. Linking the erotic with what you are trying to remember improves recall.

Apparently, gazing lovingly at his own various and assorted parts, Rodin's The Thinker already knew this technique.

So then, close your eyes and try to recall some, any, all erotic, exotic experiences you've had.

Try again.

Need I say more?

…"Cause I'm having his baby," she sang. "Poppa don't preach, I'm in trouble deep" she lamented.

What's a Poppa to do? 

I know.

Get her an app for her iphone and let the Church handle things.

Not exactly 1-800-Confession, but close. What we've got here is an enterprising app developer and in consort with him, the very Rev. Daniel Scheidt, pastor of Queen of Peace Catholic Church in Mishawaka.

Do you have any idea where Mishawaka might me?

Sounds suspiciously like Mishagoss which in Yiddish means crazy or senseless behavior. 

But then again, at $1.99 per download, maybe not.

So here's how it works. First, you are asked some really pointed questions relating to your sins. A checking of boxes allows you to tick off what particular brand of sin you committed. What follows is a written list of contrition, a prayer for you to recite, and an amen to seal the deal.

They haven't figured out yet the Sacraments part, I'd like to think that is in the development stage. I wonder if one needs to have SKU's and bar codes to affect this next step.

I'm eager to be led into temptation right about now, secure in knowing that salvation could only be a mere click away.

"Think of the universe as a deck of cards, began the explanation. "Now, if you shuffle that deck, there's just so many orderings that can happen. If you shuffle that deck enough times, the orders will have to repeat. Similarly, with an infinite universe and only a finite number of complexions of matter, the way in which matter arranges itself has to repeat."

Did you get that?

I knew I'd be lost at the deck of cards metaphor since I've managed War and GoFish, but can't seem to get how to count points when playing Gin Rummy. 

But what did perk my interest, listening to NPR one morning last week, was the concept of parallel universes.

So, seeking a better explanation of this, I went to Wikipedia, the arbiter of unfounded, undocumented information. Multiverse, as they called it, was incomprehensible too. 

Okay, okay, I thought. I can rise to the occasion, I'll keep searching.

While I still find it beyond my ability to grasp, this particular quote struck me as enough to satisfy my lack of interest to pursue this further. " A strange discovery by quantum Physicists means that an object you see in front of you may simultaneously exist in a parallel universe–a multi state condition that has scientists theorizing that teleportation and time travel may be much more than just the plaything of science fiction writers."  

Think about it, Peggy Sue Got Married, Back To the Future I, II, III and IV, Time And Again, all are possible. And wouldn't you, given the opportunity do it differently, make different choices, perhaps have not eaten that third helping of cake? 

I would.