I'll remind you.

Last seen she was dealing with her unfortunate diagnosis of incontinence. Oh dear.

Help, apparently, was on the way in the form of a Botox injection aimed strategically and carefully at her bladder. Depends no more. Her heart stopping? Seizing Up? A possible side effect?  Shirley, opted for the side effect thinking that she was, according to her family, already heartless.

Well Shirley has another option.

Kimberly Clark, not a sibling of Petula, but one of the leading manufacturers of feminine and baby products, has, nudge nudge, giggle giggle, given us Whoopi Goldberg as the spokesperson for Poise Pads. 

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ixCYHoK9PCk&w=500&h=306]

Of course, if giggling would have evoked you to panic, fear no more. You are now the brunt of a joke that has everyone else laughing.  Just, perhaps, not you.

Seemed like a fitting header for this blog, although it really has absolutely nothing to do with my content.

If you are one of those people who knows exactly where everything you own has been neatly stored, or more importantly know the use behind everything you have neatly stored, you might want to stop reading this and go back to alphabetizing your cereal boxes.

For the rest of us, or at least for me, it is overwhelming.

“What is this stuff”? That’s my first question, after pulling the various and assorted types of wires and plugs from the innards of the drawer where they had been shoved when I didn’t know what to do with them the first go around.

So I laid them out. I am very adept at “one of these things is just like the others” I can actually hum the tune…having watch Sesame Street religiously for years…and grouped them accordingly.  Certain that I really didn’t need 5 things that looked exactly alike didn’t matter. The potential that I missed a nuance on one of the ends, and that was the ONLY wire that would go into THAT receptacle, I saved them all. Twirled them into a circle, tied with a baggie tie, put them into a large plastic zip lock and shoved them back into the drawer.

And now, they are neatly stored with no known use or purpose that I can think of.

I wish I had a loyalty to products.

Other than deodorant (too much information??) I am motivated by whimsy. Not even price is a determinant. I might remember an ad I saw, maybe a friends recommendation, a total impulse selection, any other reason you want to supply is good. And, I am usually content with my selection.

Now I am confronted with having to replace a mattress that was probably purchased when I caught Rapunzel pulling out the innards in a feeble attempt to spin the straw into gold.

Do you have any idea how overwhelming the selections are? There are, without question, six hundred and two selections to choose from.  "You have to test them" I am told. "Then you can make an informed decision." My mental image of that maneuver is that of an over sized guppie, frantically flipping about, trying to extend it's life expectancy for a few more minutes, once it has been plucked from the water. 

That's not going to work.

Polling people doesn't seem to work, either. "Do you sleep on your back, side, stomach, fetal position, alone, with a crowd, more than eight hours, only an hour" are just a few of the questions posed.

I answer yes to all the questions. Doesn't seem to aid in getting a good recommendation.

So I made a decision without any input. If sleeping like a baby is the goal, I am going to buy a crib.

I don’t get it. Help me out here.

We see seven females, posed “au naturel” celebrating the concept, that women come in all shapes, sizes, colors and ages.

Really?

Look pretty much alike to me. Like in shape, size and age alike, with a nod toward ethnicity.

You see, in this economic climate, with the magazine industry in a slippery slope, ala farewell, gourmet, it takes some heavy duty promotional cha cha cha to get your readership to stay with you.

Glamour, going forward, is promising to show “a wide range of body types and racial diversity; To get plus size models “work with top photographers, make up artists and stylists” ; And, furthermore, “gap toothed smiles and nose bumps, won’t be excluded, as they make us unique.”  How creative is that thinking!! How avante-garde! How open-minded!!

Okay. Okay.

We know the concept was well intentioned. Not believable, but well intentioned.

So, if you see a size 16, gap toothed, nose askew, older woman in future issues of Glamour, and you are pretty certain it isn’t an article about the Muppets and the featured model isn’t Miss Piggy, shoot me an email and let me know.

I’ll apologize.

Really.

Don’t you think, from time to time, that you need to shake it up?

Did you think buying a pair of Crocs would do it? Can’t think of any Prince Charming roaming far and wide seeking the woman who is missing one of those. Even with an oh so petite size 9.

I saw the documentary The September Issue . I fully understand just how incredibly important, no make that essential, being a fashionista really is. Need to know what to wear, how to wear it, when to wear it and when to give it up. All while being a size 2.

Wearing sunglasses, whether it is sunny or not, is also an affectation I am seriously working on. Trying to navigate darkened rooms takes some getting used to, but with these fabulous new heels, I imagine the steps I will be taking will be somewhat slower than normal so I can handily avoid bumping into stuff.

Most of the clothing issue, then, has been settled. I know what I am to do.

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