During the teen years for some, twenties, thirties (or older) for others, there was a first time.

This is not THAT first time.

The first time I’m talking about is the, I can’t believe I’m a middle aged woman doing IT,  after not doing IT for a long time, time.

My friend Gloria once gave me this advice, “when feeling the effects of gravity”, she said, “stand on your head.” But, really, it’s not an easy position to maintain, or for that matter to explain, as one is circling the bed (couch, floor, or other locale for lust).

So here we are, eager to participate and wondering how we can affect this maneuver gracefully, confidently and easily….without calling in a body double.

It’s all pretty manageable in the evening…room darkened, slipping under the covers, lying down, which, for most of us, allows for gravity to be held at bay.

It’s the morning that worries us.

Unless you have blindfolded him in an attempt to recapture some Lone Ranger and Tonto fantasy, the room is bright, the clothes are strewn about, he’s awake and you have to pee.

Choices.

My friend Herbie, who is in very very good shape, for close to 60, tells me about the time he was in bed with a woman in her late fifties. Upon awakening, he finds her standing over him, hands on her hips, announcing, “take a good look, this is what 58 looks like.” Now let’s think about this.
First, most men of Herbie’s age need reading glasses to see things close up. If she thought he could actually see her, she knew that it would be vaguely blurry. Secondly, shock and awe, which didn’t really effect the maneuver Bush had in mind, does momentarily have it’s upside. He was taken aback, somewhat chagrined and probably looked away. His date was now 2 for 2. I haven’t considered this option, but haven’t negated it either.

Here are a few thoughts I have had about what we can do.

First, there is the crab walk exit. That would be the slipping from the bed and sidling out of the room sideways, keeping up a steady stream of chit chat, but avoiding the full rear view. Of course, this only works if you think that your profile is the better option.

We could try the removal of the sheet, like pulling the tablecloth from beneath the table full of dishes trick. Nah, I could never master that trick either.  The picture in my head of unfurling him, possibly causing him to roll right off the bed, reduces me to uncontrollable giggles.

The third choice is to retrieve and put on the (oh so) casually dropped oversized shirt that you’ve  stuffed/planted by the bed.

The last option, and clearly the only option, is to get up, stride into the john and appreciate I am, like Popeye, what I am.

Besides, unless you’ve bedded some sweet young thing, I imagine that this current partner is probably not peering at you at all, he is rooting around his side of the bed trying to locate the cap to his bottle of Viagra.