Gladys, feeling somewhat desperate, looked furtively around the communal dressing room.

Was there, she wondered, anyone that she could really really trust to ask, “how do I really really look in this outfit?”

My god, she realized, not a soul.

That one, over there in the corner, why she was squeezing her size 14 body into a size 4; and that woman three stalls over, didn’t she know that brown was no longer the new black, and the new black is neon green, at least for the moment, until all stop wearing it as toe nail polish?

What to do?

Holding up her iphone, smiling gamely, Gladys snapped a picture of herself. Quickly posting it to her Go Try It On phone app she breathlessly waited for feedback. Within minutes she received responses as to how she looked, what accessories to add, and a smattering of diet recommendations.

Wondering who these arbiters of fashion might be was incidental to Gladys. The consensus was buy buy buy. Could these respondents possibly be employees of the store? Were they laying in wait, watching for the posing and snapping to take place? Would they then be running off into the bowels of the store to register their opinions?

Never.

So I am going to download this App immediately.

After all, why wouldn’t I trust a cadre of strangers who possibly believe Britney Spears is a fashion icon, to comment on my selection?

I’m seriously thinking that I need to buy this outfit.

It’s from the Comme des Garçon 2011 Spring collection. And, if those who are in the know tell us that this is the latest in ‘must haves’, who am I to argue?

After all, we all know people who are absolutely cutting edge. The trendiest, hippest, aware of the latest, ahead of the curve, fashionistas.

I’m not one of those.

I try. Really I do.

30 years after Jennifer Beale wowed the world in her Flashdance sweatshirt off the shoulder ensemble, I’m still sporting the look. 
And, apparently, the hair.

So here’s my thinking.

I’m going to tuck this ensemble in my dresser drawer for the next decade or two.

Then when I put it on, I’ll know that it’ll be my opportunity to out fashionista the fashionistas’. Be the first on my block. Have them writhe with jealously. “How’d  she know” they would ask, “so out there” they’d say.

Look at me, I’d think. “I’m the trend setter at the nursing home.”

“Let’s hang out, do nothing, relax,” cooed my friend.

“Ok, sure,” I said, “I have no problem hanging out.”

It’s the doing nothing and trying to relax that’s a problem for me.

“Here” she said, tossing over one of her three hundred and forty two magazines she has at the ready, “chill out with this”.

Who could possibly chill out leafing through a Martha Stewart “idle hands make idle minds” tome?

Could I, with a toothpick, no less, make intricate, highly designed, multi colored patterns?

Who has toothpicks?

Okay, maybe, somewhere in the bottom of the junk drawer, along with pushpins and paper clips lurks a toothpick or two. Since dental floss was invented, nary a soul I know attempts to dislodge something between their canine and molar with a toothpick. And, really, when was the last time you were at a cocktail party and someone offered you an hors d’oeuvre with a toothpick protruding from its middle. So unMartha.

Suppressing the urge to leap from my chaise, find some ketchup and a twig to practice the art of twirling and swirling, I decided that perhaps a kinder and gentler magazine would lull me into a more relaxed state.

Real Simple, the anti Martha magazine, I thought, seemed like a logical choice.

I did spend a few minutes wondering if they used a focus group to come up with that name. “Real Simple” I suppose rolls more trippingly off the tongue than “This Isn’t Really Difficult Dummy.”

The first article I happened on was “Five Great Things About Getting Older.”

Not kidding.

They were: “You’ll be happier…Wise decisions will come more easily… Fashion police will be off your back… You’ll know who you are…You’ll have time on your hands.”

Real Simple, huh?

I could relax now, couldn’t I? Do nothing. Chill. Savor all the time on my hands, easily make decisions and know who I am. All while swathed in sweats and flip flops.

Think I’ll go rustle up some toothpicks.

Think about asking that in mixed company.

Want to know where your telemere is?

They are structures on the tips of your chromosones that shorten as you age. Paralleling, no doubt, the rest of you that is shrinking right before your very eyes.

For a mere (wonder if this has anything to do with the name of this structure) $290 dollars SeptraCell Laboratories in Houston, one of many companies performing this test, will let you know if you are on the rapid aging path.

And you would want to know this, because??

You do want to know how healthy you are, don’t you?  Okay. But since there are currently no drugs to lengthen your telomere whats a body to do? Viagra, unfortunately, doesn’t seem to be the answer.

Some researchers say that there are already a number of indexes to measure how long you might live. These factors include your age, gender, smoking history and how well you perform certain functions.
Amongst these functions are walking several blocks, pushing an armchair or managing your finances.

Managing your finances??

Really?

Oh dear.

Not a new product from L’Oreal, but rather an acronym defining, according to Dr. Martin Seligman in his new book Flourish, the five crucial elements of well being.

PERMA–My New Mantra

Positive emotion, Engagement, Relationships, Meaning and Accomplishment.

Apparently, he is no longer happy (ironic isn’t it) with the theories he put forth in his last book “Authentic Happiness.”

Thinking I was happy, until I read that I might not be happy, made me very unhappy.

For example, Dr. Seligman suggests setting goals and monitering progress. Then, he says, moniter how much time you spend pursuing the goals and what you actually accomplished.

Losing 10 pounds immediately comes to mind.

Question your goals, he suggests.

Okay, lose 5 pounds.

See, it works, I’m happier now.

I’ve never been quite able to get that gaze of adoration down pat.

You thinking what I’m thinking?

Are John Mc Cain and Newt Gingrich married to the same woman?

What’s even scarier is that I think they were married to the same woman before.

Anyhow, back to the look of adoration.

I wondered how much it really counted as a predictor of the success of the marriage.

Apparently, not much.

Are you in an Emerging Maturity Crisis?

I read that headline and thought, am I being asked what happens now that my Muni Bonds have come due and I won’t know how, where or if, I should reinvest the money?

Actually, it’s a new term for the old term, Midlife Crisis.  At least according to Vivien Diller, Ph.d, in an article that she penned for Huffington Post.

I’ve never quite understood why it is necessary to give a stage/age a name, let alone rename it.

Diller suggests that until recently psychologists thought that we have an “aha” moment somewhere in our mid life.  We become aware that life is passing us by. “I coulda, woulda, shoulda…” and didn’t.

What I got from her article is that this ‘aha’ moment happens earlier and earlier.

Basically, because she makes a pretty good argument that we are all unhappy.

Bad marriage, rotten children, dead end job. Aware of this by the time you are 30. No wonder she calls it a crisis.

So I now understand why there is, for some, a reversal to adolescence.

Return to a happy time and relive the moment.

Living in Somerville Mass. your 2010 Census questions might have included “How many people are living in your home currently? What is your age? What is your race?”

“How much do you weigh?” Kidding. The census takers are seeking the truth.

“How happy do you feel right now”? Not kidding.

So, sitting down to answer the questionnaire, perhaps with Oscar and Hammerstein’s South Pacific “Happy Talkie Talkie” playing softly in the background, pencil poised, the citizens of Somerville prepare to evaluate and answer the question.

Dr. Daniel Gilbert of Harvard University psychology professor, wrote the questionnaire. “Social policies are always meant to promote things that promote happiness, so how could it be a bad idea to measure directly the very thing you are trying to maximize.”

“I would like to be three inches taller and speak Quechua” wrote one respondent.

Perhaps getting to the root of what makes people happy is going to be more challenging than Dr. Gilbert imagined.

In the end, if the city’s policies can be changed perhaps it will make people happier.

That’s one solution.

Adding Prozac to the city’s water supply is another.