I recently made a quick stop into a Sephora, armed with an article, I'm pretty certain, I lifted from an AARP magazine (stop snickering) with recommendations for cosmetics for "aging" skin. 

"Concealer", the twenty something year old salesperson suggested. "Do I apply it with a tongue depressor or a paint roller?" I queried. She smiled politely and scurried off. I was on my own.

The upside of this was I knew that I would get a bonus gift to accompany the raft of useless and unnecessary and probably never to be used products I, no doubt, would purchase.

And I really like getting free gifts.

My gift was Bliss energizing lotion. Its like an Alka Seltzer for your skin. Squeeze out a dab of slightly gelatinous looking stuff into your palm, apply to your face, watch it bubble and foam, wait five minutes until you can't feel you face and then wash it off. 

Voila, you're taut, sparkly, refreshed, rejuvenated and clear that any product that tells you not to use it more than 3 times a week is probably dangerous. 

So what, it was free. 

I read the article erase that panty line. I’ll admit to it.

Let’s be clear. It was less about whether or not my panty line shows. It was, I hoped, simply an easier way to get past the angst of having to GO to a lingerie shop. Just TELL me what to buy.

Really. Have you been to a lingerie shop recently?

What could possibly warrant having so many styles of undergarments? Are there that many different types of breasts?  As for panties, okay, that’s a tad more delicate. Thongs, bikini, below the navel, above the navel, nylon, cotton, spandex, edible. Choices, choices, choices.

But clearly, what we choose to wear beneath our clothes has further ramifications, doesn’t it?  “My clothes fit better.” Yeah, sure. Your mother’s words “what if you are taken to the emergency room?” but that meant, only, that your underwear be clean, not fancy.

So? Why? Because all of us, I imagine, have had that humbling experience when partially clad. Remember Bridget Jones? Remember shoulder pads? Stuffed under the bra strap, or worse, pinned to the bra strap. Looked like some flightless bird. And what about spanx? That work for you?

So, if you have any recommendations, thoughts or brands that work for you, here is your opportunity to share. As long as they are sold on line.

Do you set low expectations for yourself?  Do you create a detailed assessment of every possible thing that could possibly go wrong?

If you do, those are good things.

Really.

Do you feel comforted?

Julie K. Norem, PhD a professor of psychology at Wellesley College, has done seminal research on this subject and calls it “defensive pessimism.” It appears, she has determined, that “once people have imagined the full range of bad outcomes, they start figuring out how they’ll handle them, and that gives them a sense of control.”

Don’t you just love it? For every person that has said to you “look on the bright side,” you can now, without hesitation tell them to piss off. Research, you can tell them, supports your pessimistic outlook on life making you, ultimately, a happier person.

For your mental health pleasure I have included a “pessimism quiz” that will help you evaluate whether you are a defensive pessimist — your decisions leading you to positive outcomes — or simply the poster child for antidepressants.

but, if Momma was a wrinkly mess, well, chances are that you will be too. It’s hereditary.

The Loma Linda University Medical Center in California recently presented a study to the American Society of Plastic Surgeons. “Using facial imaging and 3D computer modeling to study the aging process found that daughters’ faces tend to follow their mothers in terms of sagging and volume loss, particularly around the corners of their eyes and lower eyelids.” ‘

Bummer.

But for some lucky ladies, they have nothing to worry about.  They will age as gracefully and beautifully as their Moms. Aren’t they lucky?

I must admit, I have a morbid fascination with “before and after” pictures.

Really. I can’t remember not stopping dead in my tracks when reading a magazine or newspaper (that’s when you REALLY have the time) for looking, comparing, evaluating, critiquing, judging, and oh my god ing.

Did you see (fill in the blank?) He/she got so fat/thin, old/older, worked on/redone, redressed/undressed and then some. What were they thinking? Were they thinking? Who thinks about this stuff?  Me.

It isn’t just celebrities.

I can happily spend time comparing a home/building/monument renovation before and after. This of course, allows for me to feel less inane and vacuous when I choose to discuss it with anyone in ear shot. How’d you feel when you saw the new MoMa? Brooklyn Museum? Hollywood Closets?

Probably would evoke a considerably deeper conversation then, say, do you think Joan Rivers went one step too far?

I like my side effects to be along the lines of dizziness, headaches, that sort of thing, don’t you?

However, with obesity (or severely chunky, or thighs rub when you walk, or not fitting into anything you own) which are also scientifically valid labels, a race is on to find a prescription drug to, yup,”diminish” the problem.

It remains medicine’s elusive goal. 

The companies that are developing this new generation of drugs have “tried to avoid side effects that have tripped up drugs in the past.” Does anyone remember fen-phen?  If I remember accurately, the side effect was death. And, even if you attained your ideal weight, that seems to be bitter sweet, don’t you think?

I am delighted to announce that I have found a sure fire solution to the obesity problem.

Masking tape.

Directions: apply a  4″ strip across closed lips. Side effects, depilation of mustache or other facial hair. Weight loss: guaranteed

What do you visualize?

The Moon's landscape? The Southwestern desert? The Dow Jones?

Yet, for some, "pits and valleys" actually refers to the body's mars and scars. These crevices have been permanently etched into skin that had been pulled, stretched, shrunk and stretched again. Oh my.

But there is, yet again! help.

A timely ad (it seemed to me) was on the radio, this very morning. I heard,  while scrubbing out the soap that had decidedly settled into those very same pits and valleys, about  a product that promised to smooth, renew, vanish and dispense with those very same skin flaws.

Really?

Knowing full well that these products are bogus, scientifically unfounded, make false promises and, to boot,  are usually ridiculously expensive, I hurriedly dried off, dressed and googled it. Would I be as smooth and taunt as they promised? Would I be flawless? Unmarked? No more pits and valleys?

Are you breathless with anticipation as to the answer?

Spackle. That's what I decided would be an efficient, cheaper and quicker solution. Just like the contractor promised, all will be smoothed over, filled in and flawless.

I was there, at the first reading of the Ephron sisters staging of “Love, Loss and What I Wore.”

Which is probably totally irrelevant, other than demonstrating that I do get out, from time to time.

Anyhow, the biggest laugh of the evening was the line “When your start wearing Eileen Fisher, you might as well say, “I give up.” Apparently, the Times thought it a quote worthy line, too.

Are there no young chubbettes anymore? Has the obesity statistics been a lie? As the Market goes up are clothing sizes going down? Where are we heading?  Oh, dear.

C’mon Eileen. Rethink your plan.

There is comfort in knowing that you can swath yourself in layer upon layer of fabric, drape a scarf, oh so carefully and dramatically around your neck, add a piece of clunky jewelry, sandals and be ready to face the world. Announcing, with that outfit, that you probably have gained 10 to 15 pounds, nothing fits and your sweats clothes are nowhere to be found. But your are chic. And, additionally, must be fairly prosperous because you can afford the Eileen Fisher look.

So, then, farewell to the Eileen Fisher look of yore. Get that diet plan, gym membership and hair dye out of storage. Prepare for the biker jacket and metallic vest look. It’s the new you.

You must have, might have, possibly, definitely did, but forgot you had, read the article about how having fat friends could make you fat. I thought it was  an interesting, well researched, thought provoking article. If you are interested in knowing more, you can click on the link, read the findings, and look to make new friends.

Then, there are other articles that I read and find myself wondering aloud (that muttering thing again) who funds these studies?

Here was the catchy headline. Study shows Mediterranean diet cuts depression risk. So I read on. 11,000 people were studied. The scientists, UNSURE as to why, found that those who closely followed the Mediterranean diet were 30% less likely to be depressed than those who did not closely follow the diet.

Shall I state the obvious.

Sure I will.

The people who closely followed the diet lost weight. This made them happy. Those who did not follow the plan stayed chubbetts. The suggestion that better vascular systems, more oxygen enriched blood, etc. could be the reason for not being depressed was hypothesized.  Maybe a study looking at living a long and healthy life following this diet, I'd buy in. Depression because your blood is clogged with non healthy elements, sure. But being on a diet and not losing the weight, a sure fire bet you'd be depressed.

I thing Weight Watchers, Jenny Craig, The Zone Diet and any other diet plan du jour should fund a similar study.  Follow our plan, they'd tout. Get thin, don't worry, be happy. A Bobby McFerrin tune.

That is, until you go off the diet, gain it back and reconnect with all your former fat friends that you abandoned once you read the first article.

That wouldn't be to your favorite radio station, but rather, to your friendly local cosmetic dermatologist, or disc jockey, to have radio frequency waves, smooth and tighten that sagging body of yours.

It's called Thermage. 

Apparently, " it stimulates the body's natural skin renewal process to tighten existing collagen and form new collagen resulting in a smoother, younger-looking appearance." 

Wonder if it matters which radio frequency the doc tunes into? I'm a fan of NPR but I can't imagine that one of the iconic stations of liberalism would allow for fooling with collagen deposits. Nuclear deposit issues yes, collagen, no.

In addition to the "name that tune" procedure we also have Smartlipo.   Minimally invasive, laser-assisted liposuction. Melting and removing fat, is the promise.

Minimally invasive? Melting fat?

If the melted fat is reconstituted for energy purposes (cooking oil, gasoline) then I think these docs might be on to something.

"Get slim, save the planet."

.